My days are punctuated in attempts to better myself, and largely failing. Well, failing is a bit harsh. I have small victories. Mostly due to my willingness to become hopelessly distracted, and thus accomplishing something, anything, without a clearly resulting “level up” situation.
Example: I looked up the list of the top 250 movies ranked on IMDB.com, then found out which ones were available on Netflix, then made of list of those movies, organized them by length, and set a calendar goal of watching two of those movies each week, the longest and the shortest, along with some TV series I haven’t watched, yet always wanted to.
I made this list stretch an entire year, and it’s slowly updated as I crawl through the list of shows and movies.
I set one episode of every tv show every day, so if I watch more than one episode, I have eliminated shows I need to watch in the future, thus making me further ahead than I should be. So, I feel better about where I am, and I feel as if I have accomplished something. Ditto with watching more than one movie, although that’s tougher.
Don’t get me wrong, I have accomplished something by this course of action. I have wanted to watch the movie Gandhi for over 20 years. I never quite had the patience, but when it came down to watching it, to earn imaginary “I accomplished something!” points, I was suddenly consumed with the need to watch this movie. So, I did. And it was great, but not nearly worth the wait. I had more enjoyment out of The Avengers, to be frank. Although the movie did make me want to look into Taoism once again, since Hinduism isn’t quite for me, from my barely-educated investigation. Otherwise, I waited 20+ years for an okay movie.
For a long while, this blog, Bugloaf, was my sense of accomplishment, where there wasn’t any accomplishment in other parts of my life. I couldn’t stay in shape, I couldn’t really get ahead financially, but damnitt, I could make a freaking blog. And so I did, for a long time. I put a lot of hours into making this blog, and it was good for a while.
Eventually, the imaginary points of this blog all seemed to end up at zero. I wasn’t gaining anything by reposting things that appeared on other sites. I was simply returning my need-to-accomplish meter back to zero, without actually increasing my actual-accomlishments meter above zero. I wasn’t really getting anywhere. So, I closed up shop.
My original intention of this blog was to write, and maybe draw. It turned into “Look at this!”, and it veered way off my original course. By creating original content, I really could earn true accomplish points. I don’t ever seem to get the true sense of accomplishment by reposting all that other stuff, however.
Will I ever get back on course, to renew the original intention of this blog? I don’t think so, but I haven’t ruled it out. For now, I’m going to watch these movies I’ve been meaning to watch for many years. Next on my list: The Longest Day, and Sherlock Jr. I’m sure I will enjoy both, to some degree. I mean, they can’t all be terrible like Ben Hur (which I loathe, by the way. Classic piece of shit, that one).
I hope you are accomplishing everything you want to accomplish. It’s hard for me to find any energy these days, so I’m exercising, a teensy amount. And eliminating shitty foods as much as my urges allow. I wish you the best of luck in your own endeavors, and I try to add more accomplishment points to my bottom line.
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Doctor Sleep by Stephen King
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