Hard to believe there was a time when Jamie Lee Curtis not only didn’t do Activia commercials, but was really sexy. The aerobics-instructor role is from Perfect, with John Travolta. It’s not a great movie, but I’ve seen it more than once. Besides that, try to name the rest. I was able to get about 90% of them, everything but the movies that came out in the last 10 years.
Monthly Archives: August 2010
Sorry for the delay, for Mark Ritts died on December 7 of last year. I only stumbled upon this fact as I was looking at a 1990’s nostalgia site. You were the most awesome rat in TV history, on a classic science show (something there is an obscene lack of these days). Here’s a clip from the Best of Beakman’s World.
I took communion at Chicken Jesus (Chick-Fil-A) earlier, effectively nullifying my most recent workout. But oohhhhhh man, so worth it. Thanks for dying for my grins, Chicken Jesus. Your spicy chicken flesh was almost too good for words. And your Coke Zero communion wine was the perfect way to wash it down. I will not follow any other chicken god but you, unless it’s Sunday and I really need a chicken fix.
WordPress is annoying me. See, I don’t want to learn CSS. I just want a blog that has non-fixed-width and a customizable header so I can put my bugloaf graphic up top. Blogger (which is still free) lets me do this. I wish I was still with blogger now. I just want an easy-customizable template, instead of having to find one that kind-of works, but doesn’t look right. *sigh*, I’ll crawl in my corner now.
Thanks to my brother for this one!
This is the inspiration for the name “bugloaf”. Nutraloaf is this humane (but horrible all the same) form of punishment. If a prison inmate is naughty, they have to eat this instead of regular “good” food.
Everytime I see the word “nutraloaf”, I interpret it as “nutloaf”, which sounds nearly as terrible. And to out-do nuts, I decided bugs would do.
Another thought: either nutraloaf or bugloaf would probably also make a manned trip to Mars nutritiously survivable, but not all that enjoyable.
Click the picture or [here] for the full story on Nutraloaf.
Star Trek was, and is, amazing. It has lived a long time, and at times, prospered. It started out as low-rated 1960’s sci-fi that was sold cheaply into syndication. In the 1970’s it finally seemed to gain an audience in syndication. Star Trek Conventions grew in mass-popularity. Then, on the coattails of Star Wars, Star Trek: The Motion Picture finally premiered. In the mid 1980’s it returned to television with a new TV series, albeit with a different crew. The new show, Next Generation, was at one point the most successful syndicated TV show of all time. With three more spin-offs from Star Trek, there were 17 years (!) with some form of Star Trek on the airwaves.
In the course of 28 seasons of five different Star Trek series (Plus 11 movies, 10 in the old timeline), there are bound to be some paths that weren’t taken. Either the ideas would have been too costly at the time, or the powers-that-be decided it was too risky to change the overall universe of Star Trek in an unrecoverable fashion. In my not-so-infinite wisdom, I came up with six ideas that I wish would have been utilized on some level throughout the long history of my favorite Science Fiction series.
1) Less Love And More Strife On Star Trek: Voyager
From the beginning I had high hopes for this series. This was a Star Trek on a whole new ship, in a whole new part of the universe. The ship was going to be completely out of its element, its comfort zone, for the run of the series. For once the ship would have to figure out the nuts-and-bolts of survival, like food, fuel, and quality of life. Plus, there’s a whole second culture that must learn to live together with the crew of the Starfleet personnel, which was bound to create some really awesome episodes of conflict…right?
Nah, what we got instead was a crew that got together all-too-well, captained by my MOM. It was a dull-gray version of what made The Next Generation such a great show: interpersonal communication and self-discovery. Sure, eventually we got to see the Doctor grow from a holographic two-dimensional character to someone who had depth, depression, and sheer joy at times. We watched as the Captain Janeway and Chakotay developed a level of respect for one another…but where was the REAL conflict? The Maquis were supposedly a cell of terrorists waging war on the Cardasians. We received a milqtoast, whitewashed version of this. The crews simply got along based on the orders of Chakotay, almost without question. Shit, I saw more tension on a very special episode of Full House for crying out loud. It was the good ship Voyager. Even the opportunity of having two cultural outsiders like Kes and Neelix, and the universe’s very first BLACK VULCAN (without electicity powers…DC fans will get that) should have created something interesting. Instead, to this day, the first two seasons of Star Trek: Voyager are primarily “For Huge Star Trek Fans Only”. To other newer fans of the series, based on the sheer success of the new Star Trek movie, I recommend they begin with the Seven of Nine episodes.
While not all of the “Seven” episodes are masterpieces, the inclusion of a freaking Borg on the ship (which, again, flows together all too easily, with only limited conflict) makes the show well worth watching, and improves the overall quality of the series. When they hit “The Year of Hell” two-parter (which simply should have been stretched across one or two entire seasons), the show really bared its teeth, and made me absolutely love the series.
It’s too bad I didn’t discover either Seven of Nine or The Year of Hell until AFTER the series had ended. I gave up on the show long before this as hopeless, a long stream of gradually fading photocopies of the fantastic middle-seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. While the series ended up with a few completely AMAZING episodes in which I even respected Harry Kim as a worthy character for the show (but only a teensy bit), there was so much more to offer from this fantastic premise. In the hands of someone more talented than Rick Berman, perhaps the entire series could have been amazing, instead of a few smattering episodes here and there.
So, here’s my next amazing idea that would have made Star Trek better:
2) Star Trek: Enterprise – any level of historical accuracy as it fit into the timeline of Star Trek: The Original Series
Hindsight is always 20/20. Since this entire series was hindsight, this should have been a great show. Take a little of the present, then blend it into the “future” of Star Trek: The Original Series, and away you go. Instead, Star Trek: Enterprise’s primary job seemed to be to piss off the “historian” fans of the many series’. I realize it must be hard to create a show from the future while having to adhere, on some level, to 40 year old technology from a cheaply made Sci-Fi show. Acknowledging that the Original Series existed, instead of treating it like some crazy uncle from up-state, would have been nice. Everything on this series should have adhered to two rules: give it an equal amount of futuristic technology and storylines from our timeline, and from the timeline prior to the Original Star Trek series. Here are the things that bother me the most:
First, the uniforms. While looking a lot like flight-suits from current Space Shuttle missions made them look futuristic to present-day viewers, the shoulder stripes reminiscent of the uniforms originally designed for Star Trek: The Next Generation, skipping over the 1960’s TV show altogether. While this may seem to be a minor nit, it starts to add up as time goes on…
The ship. How does a ship like this come close to fitting into the timeline? How does a ship with various bulges, bluish nacelles, and a streamlined appearance evolve to look like something so edgy, perfectly round, static – yet strong, as the original Enterprise ship? And why in the world do you name this first ship Enterprise? I realize you’re trying to maintain the fans of the entire Star Trek series…but it makes me wish the creators had the guts to name the first ship “Columbia”, or “Constitution”, something other than “Enterprise”. The whole ship simply doesn’t seem to fit. Inside and out, it just looks too flashy.
Then, time travel. See, time travel should have been used to EXPLAIN why everything in the show looks way cooler than it does in the future (which was shot in the 1960’s). That’s how they explained the new movie Star Trek. Well, heck, they didn’t really explain why Engineering suddenly looks like a cavernous factory, but with the inclusion of time travel well before the brunt of the movie takes place, it’s somewhat plausable that Starfleet decided some bigger, badder ships were in order. And that could have been done, on some level, in Star Trek: Enterprise as well.
3) Destroy Deep Space Nine (Terok Nor)
It’s the close of season seven. The Klingons are set to take control of the station, and it will no longer be a Federation entity. Let’s blow up Terok Nor. And take the entire episode (or even two episodes) to do it.
Complete the storyline of Captain Sisqo living out his role as the Emissary along one plotline. At the same time, something (bomb, collision, subspace rupture, etc.) drastically damages the station beyond repair. The station is being torn apart. Slowly.
Shortly before a cliffhanger (either between episodes, or just before a commercial break), the gravitational forces of the wormhole pull one arm of the station inside. Miles and Keiko O’Brien save their daughter Molly at the last minute, but they are forced to remain behind, and nothing can save them. They are crushed, with many civilians and aliens who were in the wrong place at the wrong time…and maybe a spaceship or two that are docked. One or two ships are able to undock and attempt to escape, but most of them fail in their efforts. One ship is crushed, with the bow and stern being pushed together for a distance prior to exploding.
Eventually, the conspirator who allowed the destruction of the station is caught, and is killed by another main character, possibly in cold blood. He or she will stand trial for the crimes, but that will occur after the series has ended. You could hand the cold-blooded role to Ezri Dax, since few of the fans cared about her character anyhow. If she’s executed in court marshal or has to work in some pharmaceutical mine on planet Viagra 7, so be it.
In the end, the station’s core has taken too much of a pounding. Dozens of alien ships work together to tow the station away from the wormhole, to preserve it, the entity within the wormhole, and the entire planet of Bajor. Without the aid of the Chief Engineer, there is no way to stop the station’s core from breaching, and this is mentioned very prominently. Deep Space Nine finally explodes, destroying all of the remaining ships towing her: Federation, Klingon, Romulan, and Bajoran alike.
Close the series in similar fashion to how the series actually ended. Jake Sisqo, shot from behind, is finishing a memoir of these days. He misses his father, and Jake is filled meloncholy. However, as Jake turns toward the camera to look out the window, you see facial hair and realize some time has passed. It is now 5 years following the explosion of Terok Nor (aka Deep Space Nine). A woman calls to him, and he’s joined by the former Molly O’Brien, now Molly Sisqo, pregnant with their first child. They are in a spacecraft, approaching a half-built station orbitting Bajor. The two have been allowed to live on the station, Jake as a reporter, and Keiko as a diplomat to aid in communication and treaties between Bajor, the Klingons, and the Federation. The series closes on a happy note, with a hint of Odo and other changelings returning to the station, leaving the series on a mild perpetual cliffhanger storyline.
4) The Android Army.
There were moments when the writers sort of went to this storyline, and yet never followed through with it. When Data was put on trial in the Next Generation episode “Measure of a Man”, there is a conversation between Guinan and Captain Picard in which an “army of Datas” is mentioned in relation to slavery. With the inclusion of Lore (and much later, B4) into the lineage of Commander Data, and the fact that Lore worked in close proximity with one hive of the Borg, I would have thought the next logical progression would be an android army.
Lore has been reactivated by one of the Borg drones he freed in the two-part episode “Descent”. In a betrayal, Lore kills that Borg and works to duplicate himself. He calls for revenge on his brother Data, and the Federation which turned his brother away from him. In secret he builds a small army, half-built without a complete skin. He is unable to recreate the level of intelligence that either himself or his brother bears, and the androids are roughly automatons. Eventually, one or two or a dozen gain intelligence. At the same time, the separate collective of Borg that Lore freed previously band together to strike back against him. The combination of these two factors leads to the destruction of Lore, the android army, and the small Borg collective, with the Borg “Hugh” sacrificing his life in order to save Geordi LaForge, the Star Fleet Officer who saved his life to begin with.
(I was kind of hoping the writers would go to this territory with the Ship’s Doctor in the waning seasons of Star Trek: Voyager. Although it would still be fun, the army would be much more nerdy and condescending, and ultimately much less effectual at instilling shock and/or awe.)
5) Anything else involving the NCC 1701-C or the NX-01-A.
First, in Star Trek The Next Generation’s episode “Yesterday’s Enterprise”, the show’s designers created this GORGEOUS ship, the Enterprise-C, which took the best qualities of the Enterprises A & B. What do they do? They feature this ship in only a single episode. How cruel? I’ve often thought the Enterprise-D, when seen from certain angles, looked a bit like a turkey with its legs in the air, and a really squashed head. The Enterprise C looks great from every angle possible. Too bad.
The same mistake was repeated about 10 years later in the Star Trek Voyager episode “Hope and Fear”. This episode features the USS Dauntless, which is kind of like a new model of the USS Voyager, except that the Dauntless does everything right. The bridge interior design looks like an updated version of the Enterprise D, instead of the dark, drab colors of the Communist Russian Submarine interiors of the Voy. The Dauntless was a perfect looking ship, everything that the designers should have done with the Voy. Unfortunately, the episode ends with the new, cool ship simply being a ruse, and it’s destroyed. I wish they could have simply destroyed the Voy in favor of the Daunt, but this would have required a change in title sequences and show titles…but who cares? The Dauntless was HOT, looking like a spearhead speeding through outer space, while the Voyager looked like a flipped-over flying baby-spoon.
6) The Two Crews.
I know, this is not an original idea. Anyone who has looked into the Star Trek novels will note several that have some kind of crossing over of various crews, primarily from The Original Series era Kirk and The Next Generation era Picard. And there was this movie that took this premise, I think it was called Generations, but it completely dropped the ball by taking the captains out of their space ship and putting them on some extended away mission. Oh, and one of them died in a really annoying way.
Even as recently as 12 years ago, they still could have pulled this off. DeForest Kelly and James Doohan were still alive. The cast from The Original Series hadn’t been doing much for a couple years, and they might have done this one for a much lower salary than they received for Star Trek 6.
Yes, we saw the two Captains in the disappointing Star Trek 7. Nobody cares about Star Trek Captains on some away mission! Put them in a space ship, even a 70 year old Klingon Bird of Prey! And better yet, Paramount, this series made you BOATLOADS of money over the years. Sure, it wasn’t a Star Wars, but the series still paid the bills. Why didn’t you fork over the money and pay for both crews to show up for one movie? Heck, you don’t even have to give Troi any lines. She’s almost useless in the movie series anyhow, except as not-often-enough eye candy. (And crashing the saucer section of the Enterprise-D is NOT USEFUL.).
So yeah, that’s my list. I shall now complete writing my Troi fan-fiction. Carry on.
(I should note that Star Trek 2, 3, 4, 6, and the latest movie can’t really be improved by my suggestions, they were great just the way they are. And I actually quite enjoy #9: Insurrection too, although most people don’t.)
I’m trying something different. Just bear with me.
Earlier today I read this story about Nutraloaf, which is a nutritional replacement for so-called “good prison food”. Nutraloaf is used as punishment, since it’s almost tasteless, looks like fruitcake, and has a similar consistency. I thought that was one of the more disgusting things I’d ever heard of…then I went looking for domain names. Unfortunately it was taken. However, as I scoured through other disgusting-sounding ‘loafs’, I found that bugloaf.com was available. So I figured, what the heck.
I spent maybe an hour designing a logo in MS Paint (which, in converting from a bitmap to a WordPress-acceptable JPG, completely hashed the logo, to my amusement), and I chose a different WordPress template, and so here I am.
I’ve been wanting to simplify this blog a little more lately. The left/right borders always seemed a little “news-site” to me. This is a blog, and it should be simple to read and digest. My favorite blogs right now have extremely simple designs, even when compared to my current design.
So, for a simpler version of Dakota East, I bring you ‘bugloaf’.
It’s short (took me maybe 5 minutes to read, then re-read), but it’s really fun. [link]
This guy is nuts.
Sorry for the frozen picture on the video, but this copy had the best audio quality.
There is no way to top this. Seriously. This is the pinnacle. Everyone should give up now.
I’ve had the thought before…why don’t I try harder with this blog/site/blag/whatever? I mean, I still get excited when I break 10 visitors in a single day. Here, let me show you my most recent breakdown:
So, for the past couple weeks, I haven’t broken 10 visitors a day. I don’t even know if these are the same ten visitors. Most of my new visitors are drawn to the Bill Waterson birthday post I did last years, which still gets like 15 visitors a week. Trust me, almighty Bill, creator of the best comic strip in the history of comic strips (at least since the 1800’s, though the Yellow Kid was some funny stuff back in the day), that was not my intention. Though that statement is incredibly moot since Mr. Waterson supposedly spends his day painting pictures with his Dad, not going online.
My biggest mental competition to this website, the guy that keeps me going, even with only 10 looks a day (if I’m lucky), is Jason Heath, the guy that runs this blog. Since I actually know the guy who runs that blog (well enough to call him one of my best friends), I figure that creating a successful blog/site/blag should be within my realm of possibility.
But there’s something missing here. And that’s drive.
I have a whole bunch of content I could unleash on here. Not just re-treaded stuff from the internet, but original comics, flash toons, stories, what-have-you. But I’m just too lazy to create them, beyond writing my ideas down and sticking them in one of my huge rubbermaid bins of papers. (Yes, that’s plural. Many, many ideas…). Sure, many of them aren’t good. But seriously, look back on the years of UserFriendly and tell me that a large number of THOSE strips didn’t suck. Or GPF. At times, especially when they went with Star Wars/Trek themed comics (that cemented those story arcs in the exact time period they came out, making them seem hopelessly dated), they were pretty poor.
So, what I’m saying is that the very best of my comics are totally better than the very worst of theirs. But what should I expect? I don’t have to come up with new ideas 7 days a week for years on end! UF is at least 12, and GPF is about the same age.
What do I do? I’m going to be taking classes in Graphic Design next year, so maybe I’ll actually start posting stuff on here when it all goes down. Or maybe I’ll still be doing the same stuff as yesteryear, trying to decide when I’m going to turn this site into something magical. I dunno. For now, I really should be studying for my mid-term in…some class. I honestly forget the name, it means so little to me at the moment. Straight-A’s notwithstanding.
I think this song is one of the best in Motley Crue’s song catalog.
So, yeah, I don’t pack this site with posts everyday like I used to. My new activity of choice in my spare time is working out, especially since I’m over 50 pounds overweight…well, 45 now that I’ve been working out a month. That’s like a little over a 6-pack of soda that I don’t have to carry around. But I still do, just to make a point. It’s RC Cola, which is much better than you remember. Except that my cans are so old that the soda probably tastes like sheet metal by now. That, and the rings are all yellowed plastic. It’s rather nasty, and yet I still do it. Because making a point, standing up for something, is what America was founded on.
Anyhow, this came to mind:
Yes, it’s the Zelda speedrun. I thought of it since I just watched every episode of The Legend of Neil (at least the ones released so far). I’d link to it, but the whole “The Office” spoof is so utterly disappointing that I stopped watching. If I wanted The Office, I’d just freaking watche The Office. I don’t, so I don’t need The Office in other forms of entertainment that I actually prefer to enjoy instead of actually watching The Office.
It’s not that I hate The Office. It’s just that I don’t like The Office.
So, yeah, there’s that. Wait till Neil figures out there’s a Zelda 2, with SIDESCROOL ACTION!!!
Yeah, I realize there was a typo, but Sidescrool is so much more fun to say.
Anyhow, that’s it. More to come at some point later. As always. There’s always something new, you just have to be alive to see it. Or dead if you believe in an afterlife. But yeah, one way or the other, newness. Yeah.
So, I’m sitting here, quietly typing, hungry but too lazy to fix a meal, and I’m wondering what to do with my night. I work at a job that is either SUDDEN MAYHEM GOING 90 MILES A SECOND HOLY GOD I’M GOING TO HAVE A CORONARY or it’s slow as molassassessss….I have no idea how to spell that. Let’s call it slow as dehydrated maple syrup. Or slow as really old windows, from houses dating to the 1800’s where the glass is really warped and its technically a really viscous liquid and not entirely a solid, although the glass definitely has properties of a solid at the same time. It’s a Slick-wid. I totally made up that word. I’m so freaking awesome.
So, at my job, I either have ZERO free time, or I have gobs and gobs of it. So, within reason, I surf the internet. Now, safe for work sites include Neatorama, BoingBoing, but not really Reddit, since it so easily delves into the “I can’t unwatch this, and I’m going to get fired so quickly for being a complete psycho pervert that I won’t even be able to clean off my desk and I’ll forget and leave behind that really cool puzzle thingie that I only just figured out how to solve with my eyes closed this past week” territory. The problem with surfing at work is, now that I’m home, there’s nothing to read.
I could play a game. I had been addicted to the MMORPG “Dungeons & Dragons Online” (“DDO” to the cool kids) mainly because it’s free, and I’m a cheapskate. Double-win. The only problem was that I exchanged playing this addicting game with moving my body in any kind of motion resembling exercise. Eventually I grew so fat that the thought of myself naked disgusted myself. Seriously, if you’re so fat that your own naked flesh actually turns your stomach, you’re too goddamn fat.
So, I joined a club. I’ve been going regularly for a little over five weeks, and I’ve lost three pounds. It doesn’t seem like much because…it ain’t. I’m taking the slow boat, but I’m just starting to ramp up my workouts to start losing at least a pound a week. Which means I have, at most, 50 more weeks to excercise before I’m at the weight MAXIMUM for the US Air Force. That’s right, I’m 50 pounds heavier than the biggest fat-ass that gets to go to basic training for a belittling campaign to make you feel [-] that big. Joker, why doesn’t anyone like me?
But that isn’t why I’m ranting tonight. See, tonight I worked out on the elliptical trainer at the workout club, burning 888 calories. (Trust me, that number makes sense when you realize I based my workouts on the leveling system for Dungeons & Dragons Online. I’m currently a level four marshmallow man, rank 17 I think.) A pretty decent workout, especially when I’m repeating it 4 more times in the next 8 days. No, my problem is that now, since I’ve showered, cleaned myself up, and so on…I have nothing to do. And I’m afraid to play DDO.
I don’t want to exchange a level of DDO for a pound or two of real life. I want to try to keep going…but heck, I’m really bored! And I’m too tired to leave this couch, even to look in the cupboards for something to eat.
I guess I’ll eventually get up and find something. Or clean out my Tivo. Or something.
I just had to rant and gripe a little bit. Thanks for listening.
By the way, if you’re curious about my “method”, here’s my goal-sheet below. XP is how many calories I gotta burn at a session. I didn’t enter today’s yet, still too tired apparently. Enjoy.
Lynda Carter and Kiss….?!? Somehow I think this was Gene Simmons’ idea, cashing in on the Disco fad. The action starts at 15 seconds in.
Ron Livingston, from such works as Office Space and Band of Brothers is now an internet meme. Nice.
This reminds me of The Long Walk by Richard Bachman, my favorite of his stories. Although this video clip has a happier ending.
And a bonus: Jane Austen’s Mafia: