Smurf Off, You.

The Smurfs. You remember them. They’re lovable and happy through the use of wonderful Hanna Barbera animation. A sort of Marxist utopia of sorts. But in a good way. Heck, when I was a kid, I envied them. They were always happy, when they weren’t about to be eaten by Gargamel, that is.

In reality, would it be that great to be a Smurf? Let’s take a look back and see…

We’ll start with Papa Smurf. King Daddy. It’s easy enough to like him, with his Santa Claus beard and costume. He’s just a kindly older man. And he’s the one stand-out in the bunch, pretty easy to spot. However, since they’re at a virtual war with Gargamel at all times, maybe he should follow the same rules applied to officers during the Vietnam War, and try to blend in a little bit. You know, nothing shiny or flashy, nothing that truly stands out, like a bright red target in a field of white.

I know, Gargamel can’t find the village, blah blah blah. He’s found it before you know. You can’t just rely on the fact that he hopefully won’t find it again.

This one is called Normal Smurf. Normal. How horrible, at least for me. But he’s the yardstick of this entire civilization. Whatever he does, it’s normal. He’s the true ideal, blue, perfectly coiffed and ironed uniform, big silly grin on his face. This is what it means to be a normal Smurf.

Ah yes, Brainy Smurf. Why did they have to make the biggest jerk of the hole bunch be the only one to wear glasses? Sure, hate those without perfect vision. You’re the jerks. Jerk.

But I guess it isn’t as bad as hating black Smurfs.

This one is called “Angry Smurf”. What, exactly, are you trying to say, Peyo? Seriously! What is this, a Black Sambo painting?

And Spy Smurf…he might be super secret, but generally a spy should “blend” a little more. Maybe you should dress like Normal Smurf. Oh, and who exactly is Spy Smurf spying on? Is there some other Smurf culture somewhere, and he’s trying to infiltrate this one, maybe introduce a more Democratic culture to this Marxist Regime? Or is he simply trying to spy on Gargamel? If so…maybe a little camouflage is in order. Not standard fatigues, mind you, but something a little more gray, to match that weird hovel he lives in. And you should probably have something to mask your scent from that cat too. But I digress…

Prisoner Smurf. So, what are you in for? Being too happy? No, you’re not smiling. Maybe it’s for not being happy enough? Really, what crime would you really have to commit in the Smurf Village to be thrown in jail? Did you paint your mushroom from a color off from the required palate? Did you eat meat? Did you piss on the Smurfberry bush? I’d love to know. Maybe he was turned by Spy Smurf and was later caught. I’m surprised that this picture of him (and his friend, apparently) got to the public. Apparently not everyone believes in this form of government…

Astro Smurf. So, the Smurfs have a space program. If so, maybe they have a really tiny nuclear stockpile somewhere too. Enough nukes to blow up a city block, perhaps?

Looking at the space suit, it doesn’t look that well thought out. There’s no air supply except for the fishbowl, and there’s no gloves. I wonder how long a Smurf would last in space. And even within the confines of the spacecraft, there’s that age old question…if a Smurf is choking, what color will he turn?

Oh yeah, Gold Smurf. The blingiest of them all. I bet he has a full grill too. Maybe he’s the one who sold pictures of Prisoner Smurf to the west, and maybe some of those Smurf secrets…like where the MICBM (Mini-Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile) manufacturing facilities are located. Or maybe he’s part of the Smurf mob, dealing in illegal prostitution and Smurf-aine running from Smurf-ombia. Or maybe I’m reaching. Moving on…

Laughing Smurf…I wonder if that’s all he does? Maybe they should have Psychiatrist Smurf.

Crying Smurf….same comment.

Sleepwalker Smurf…don’t ever wake up, man. Just keep on sleeping.

Thinking Smurf. So, in this village without individual thought, one stands above and thinks for everyone else?

Gift Smurf…hmm, let’s look at this. Yellow gift, red bow…it looks like an improvised explosive to me. Run!

Pointing Smurf. Probably great on hunting trips. Or at the Information Desk of Adventureland.

Emperor Smurf…so, is this the other society that Spy Smurf is looking in on? Maybe that’s why he’s dressed like that. Maybe everyone in that society wears huge red cape. They look rich too, which is how they were able to afford to pay off Gold Smurf.

Jungle Smurf? Oh come on Peyo! A little cultural awareness, man!

This one is Chef Smurf. I only included him because I like his expression. Looks like Constipated Baker Smurf.

Pirate Smurf…so Smurf Village has a pirate trade? Maybe it’s against that Monarchy across the way.

Great Scot!

And Smurfette. That one girl. You were made up by Gargamel, if memory serves. So, Smurfs don’t naturally reproduce…or do they? Maybe the Smurfs are asexual… or maybe they are hermaphrodites. Or maybe some disease killed off all of the natural born females, or modified the Smurf embryos to become male instead of female. What happened to all the women? Do they exist in either the Marxist Regime or the Monarchist Kingdom? Maybe that’s the reason for all the spying, to find out how much they know about the one key to having another generation of Smurfs.

Well, that’s about it for now. By the way, I stole all of these pictures from here: http://www.blueimps.com/normalsmurfs1to50.html

Thanks for playing! -A

1 Comment

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One response to “Smurf Off, You.

  1. Wink

    The Smurf that’s labeled #3 is not an angry black Smurf. It’s from the original Smurfs cartoon, an episode where the Smurfs became a dark purple and spouted the phrase “gnap, gnap” and once one was bitten by an “infected” angry Smurf they turned too. Just a bit of back story to clear up any “angry Sambo” references.

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